Last evening I was talking to my mother about some Muslim gossip from my hometown and we got into a discussion-ok, it wasn't really a discussion but mostly my mother telling me about an Ustadh's opinion-about spousal support and brothers who sue their wives for it. For those of you not familar with traditional Islamic family structure or at least the idyllic version of it, men are supposed to maintain women and their families and this extends to divorce. If a couple gets divorced, the mahr or dowry that a couple agreed on when they got married comes into play. The husband has to give this to his wife except for extenuating circumstances. This arrangement works fantabulously in a patriarchial society or social structure.
It doesn't seem to work out as well in a matrifocal society such as African American society. After talking to my mom, I wondered why she, the Ustadh as well as other black Muslims took such an issue with men getting spousal support when in a lot of situations, the wife makes more than the husband? My mother made more than my late stepfater. Some of the women we talked about over the phone made more than their husbands. Yet, my mother asserted that a husband in this situation, in case of divorce, shouldn't ask for spousal support and should move on with his life.
This type of situation doesn't lend itself to black/white or haraam/halaal analysis. On the one hand, you have the Qur'anic prescription for the husband to take care of the wife. However, if you're in a marital situation where this hasn't been the case all along, is it fair to expect this to change during divorce?
More importantly or at least more interesting to me, is whether the views of some African American Muslims in regards to spousal support goes back to ideas of what masculinity should be. I have the feeling that to some Black Muslims, giving a husband spousal support further accelerates a perceived emasculation of Black men. I wrote previously on the blog that I felt one of the reasons why some African Americans convert to Islam is because it restores a traditional idea of masculinity that can be attractive. Spousal support for husband would definitely contradict this idea of masculinity. I guess the question that has to be asked though is if this construct of masculinity has existed for a lot of black men and whether it's right or wrong if it hasn't. For black Muslims especially and perhaps maybe for all Muslims, maybe we have to be more flexible when it comes to certain gender norms.
It doesn't seem to work out as well in a matrifocal society such as African American society. After talking to my mom, I wondered why she, the Ustadh as well as other black Muslims took such an issue with men getting spousal support when in a lot of situations, the wife makes more than the husband? My mother made more than my late stepfater. Some of the women we talked about over the phone made more than their husbands. Yet, my mother asserted that a husband in this situation, in case of divorce, shouldn't ask for spousal support and should move on with his life.
This type of situation doesn't lend itself to black/white or haraam/halaal analysis. On the one hand, you have the Qur'anic prescription for the husband to take care of the wife. However, if you're in a marital situation where this hasn't been the case all along, is it fair to expect this to change during divorce?
More importantly or at least more interesting to me, is whether the views of some African American Muslims in regards to spousal support goes back to ideas of what masculinity should be. I have the feeling that to some Black Muslims, giving a husband spousal support further accelerates a perceived emasculation of Black men. I wrote previously on the blog that I felt one of the reasons why some African Americans convert to Islam is because it restores a traditional idea of masculinity that can be attractive. Spousal support for husband would definitely contradict this idea of masculinity. I guess the question that has to be asked though is if this construct of masculinity has existed for a lot of black men and whether it's right or wrong if it hasn't. For black Muslims especially and perhaps maybe for all Muslims, maybe we have to be more flexible when it comes to certain gender norms.
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Salaam,
really interesting post! It's actually an idea I have never heard of. It plays into so many other issues as well, such as inheritance, or custody of children.
There are a lot of thoughts flashing through my mind right now, but I need to get them in order now.
Jazaak'allah khayr for sharing these interesting thoughts!
To be clear you're actually talking about working-class Blacks here. The Black Bourgeoisie doesn't face these challenges. They're living in the 5M home next door to my dad, and all of them look down their collective noses at the rest of us... anyway...
Working-class Black men in urban areas are already the most emasculated group in society... tied with Appalachian/Southern Whites and illegal aliens from Mexico.
Highest unemployment, lowest education levels, most often ripped off in the workplace and society. Most likely to grow up in a single parent home, never having known their fathers, most likely to go to prison, etc. etc. ad infinitum.
I remember fifteen years ago, at the age of 23, visiting a girl in the ninth ward of New Orleans, realizing that nearly every male I saw was either a teenager or an old man in his 50s. The entire community had been absolutely stripped of men at their most productive ages. In subsequent conversations I learned that the few Black guys who went off to college almost always came back briefly to get married, and then moved out to a mixed race neighborhood or a larger city like Atlanta or Houston.
In contrast, it was painfully common for Black women in that neighborhood to have high school diplomas and 4-year degrees from public universities. My friend's mother was a good example, and both these women lived in the home of her grandparents (the last generation of stable Black-worker family life) and various other relatives in the same house.
The old-school masculine ideal might have served some purpose at one time. In the long run, I think it'd be better if Black men were encouraged to stay home and raise the children while the woman works, or perhaps start businesses. Would this emasculate them? Not really... Not any more than they already are. It'd be a step up. The next generation of Black workers would have the stability of two parents and could begin building a bit of infrastructure in their own community rather than abandoning it or getting rounded up by the cops.
Of course it's easy for any of us to give advice, but unless we're actually in such a situation we can only vaguely approach an understanding of all its complexities.
I've been meaning to write about that trip back home to New Orleans myself... I probably ought to quit wasting space on your blog. Interesting topic though... thanks.
Hey cool discussion,
I agree with your mother because although matrifocal kinships are recognized as a source of women’s power because women are perceived as having control over household earning, BUT matrifocal kinships are still patriarchal since they are a source of women’s exploitation. Case studies of matrifocal households reveal that the majority of women live under poor conditions, are controlled by the men, are underemployed in comparison to the rest of society, are the main breadwinner yet are also the sole caretakers of the children, they do not get adequate financial support from the men for the rearing of children. Therefore not only are they the main source of income for the family but are also the main caretakers of children and all of this is within a patriarchal society. I think the problem is that women’s work in the domestic sphere is not recognized, not valued and they are not paid for this work. If women are still doing more work than the men in the domestic sphere, and are also rearing the children, and are the breadwinners how could he expect spousal support? If there are no children involved than some sort of spousal support to help him is likely BUT consideration must be made in a patriarchal society because of the discrimination, restrictions, and exclusion women face and their access towards resources.
Considering the fact that your mother as a black woman faces gendered racism from whites and further sexism and patriarchy from black men--- I would assume that’s more burden than your stepfather or double the burden.
@Greg:
Sorry it took so long for the comment to go up. I didn't realize that I hadn' approved it until I logged into my blogger account just now.
Oh and you're right Gregoire, this is definitely an issue that affects working class blacks more than the middle class unless you're in a Tyler Perry movie where a women with PhDs screw over their working class husband just for spite.
Spousal support is an interesting topic. If the male spouse is granted the children, he needs support. If the wife has the children, then she is automatically given the support. What comes into play is what is in the best interest of the children. If there are no children, then each party in the marriage should go their seperate ways. This is only over ruled if one or the other spouse is physically disabled. But mostly in our society, the women are the caretakers of the children. I have seen good muslim father raising children alone and horrible muslim mothers, who should have not had custody of the children. It's a serious subject matter.